I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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