not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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