I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
