i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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