I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
We are all done wearing pants today
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
