i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
