Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
