im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
