i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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