i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
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I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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