let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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