Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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