I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She told me I should be a condom model.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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