FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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