Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
