I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I need a beard to bite.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
