take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
