They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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