you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
