I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
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Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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