what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
