Say something about gay babies.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I didn't notice because vodka
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
