my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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