he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
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Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
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I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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