I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
