Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
