Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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