just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize