it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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