I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
