remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I want a musical about memes.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
