I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
