I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
