Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
the raccoons are back...
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