I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
