Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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