We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
