Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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