When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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