from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
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Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
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Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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