It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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