dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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