I wish I could teleport
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You're a waste of cheezeits
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
