I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
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Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
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He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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