my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
