There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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