Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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