she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
