My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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