your room smells of hookers.
And success
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
