Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
