I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
