I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
