if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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