What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
