when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
