dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
