Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
