When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
