Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
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I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
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He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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